Sage and Tarot Cards

Yesterday was a rough day. I try not to keep score… but the rough ones seem to have been increasing lately. Sigh… have an appointment to see the doc about my meds on Monday, so we’ll see what happens there.

Last night, though, I got home from work and decided that I wasn’t going to sit down and dwell on my bad day. I decided to try to turn it around instead. As I do sometimes when I need to refocus or decompress, I went to my sacred space. As I’ve mentioned before, I have gotten into some alternative spirituality and find a lot of fulfillment in certain rituals. So last night I lit a smudge stick (dried herbs, mostly sage) to cleanse my energy. I also lit a couple of candles… “magick” candles made with the intention for affecting certain energies. Last night I used a Clearing and a Healing candle. I lit my smudge stick so that it would smoke fairly heavily… and then meditated as I breathed in the clearing energy and breathed out the negative. It took some time, but I did begin to feel release. It made a good effort at bringing me back from the unhappy place.

As I finished meditating, I was drawn to my deck of tarot cards. I use the tarot as another way to channel the energy around me. So I gathered the deck and held it in the smudge smoke for a few moments to clear its energy. I then began to mix the deck, without any specific purpose but to find some clarity… and almost immediately three cards fell out of the deck and onto the floor. I could take this as a clumsy error and just pick them up, but I feel that things like this aren’t mistakes… those cards were meant to appear at that moment. The cards that fell were:

The Tower, Ten of Wands & Ten of Cups

Ok, so what does it mean, you ask… first of all, I kept the three in the order in which they fell… The Tower was on top, when I turned them face up. Although there are many facets to reading the cards, the simplest designation is that the left card represents the past, the center card represents the present, and the right card represents the future. So, in this case:

The Past  The Tower: Something that has been created without a solid foundation is collapsing. Often ideas created out of illusion or false beliefs will come to an end. The card signifies a sudden or unexpected ending.

This card appeared to me once before, as a future card, right before a relationship abruptly ended. I take its appearance now to show that that ending is now behind me.

The Present Ten of Wands: The man carries a heavy load but keeps his eyes forward. Although he is overwhelmed and weary of his responsibilities, he is determined to look beyond to the promise of the future.

For me? Um, yeah, I’ve been overwhelmed. This card is telling me to not give up.

The Future Ten of Cups: I’ll let my handbook speak for this one “When the Ten of Cups shows up in a reading, it represents happiness in one’s home life, together with the promise of lasting success in a relationship. It symbolizes committed and contented love with permanence.”

A lot of my stress centers around my home life. That is just the way it is. The appearance of this card gives me assurance that when I look beyond my current overwhelmed state, happiness is there. The card does not tell me exactly how this will come to me, but it gives me reassurance that it is coming.

—————

In the end, after my smudging and my reading of the cards, my heart felt lighter and open for possibilities… tomorrow is a new day and I need to look ahead to the happiness that is coming.

Impulsive

The holidays were hard. I have had a lot of ups and downs since Thanksgiving, really. Throwing my birthday in there, as well as being separated from my family, and I was well primed for a downturn. And I got one. Well, maybe not a total downturn… more of a roller coaster of highs and lows that changed by the moment a lot of ups and downs.

During this time, I came to realize that one of my main coping mechanisms, along with hiding in my bed, is impulsive decisions and behaviors.

im·pul·sive [im-puhl-siv]

adjective 1. actuated or swayed by emotional or involuntary impulses: an impulsive child.

That about sums it up… acting on emotion without thought, like a child. Really, I have been like this for most of my life and never really considered it before. I’ve done some rash things during impulsive moments… never anything particularly harmful, but sometimes with long lasting effect.

Lately my impulses have been a bit more drastic. A tattoo after I said I would never get one. Another tattoo. An online affair. Buying an eReader when I have been so set against the move away from traditional books. The latest? Two piercings in the cartiledge of my left ear. Oh, and this morning I changed the side of the part in my hair… after years of putting it the other way. (That’s a real dangerous one, let me tell you!)

So what do I do about these impulsive behaviors? Right now I don’t know. The rush helps to deal with the pain. It isn’t healthy… but I guess I am an addict that isn’t willing to stop. My therapist has a lot to say about this… and I’m sure I will in the future too.

But, for now, this is me, Ginger: Impulse Girl!

Impulsive Shopping

A New Year – A New Beginning

I have neglected my blog for so long. I think part of the reason is that I felt like I wasn’t writing for many readers beyond those friends who really know me well and probably aren’t particularly surprised by what I write… and I have wrestled with the concern about being anonymous. I am not ashamed of who I am, but for professional reasons I think certain things should be kept anonymous. So I am going to try an experiment… I am going to start sharing my blog on Twitter. This is a big step for me… just ask some of my friends with whom I went back and forth about even starting this blog. But I’ve made Twitter somewhat more anonymous and protected as well… so here I go!

And so, just in time for this new year, I am committing to working on and sharing this blog. This year feels like a pivotal one. This is my 40th year. I will turn 40 as 2012 ends. That always seemed so old… such a huge milestone. Like when my mom turned 40, she was really OLD (of course, I was 10 at the time…) But I’m not old… I am still young and fun and edgy… and crazy, but that really has nothing to do with age, does it??

Do I really need a warning label?

Sooo… during this 40th year of my life I am making a commitment to work on this blog and make it a reflection of how this year plays out. So far, so good. I had a rough day on my birthday… holidays and such seem to be harder for me now that I am working on feeling the emotions and not just stuffing them. But I allowed myself to have a bad day, I allowed myself to hide away and feel the crap and then calm myself down and then sleep. And the next day was a new day, it didn’t have to be defined by the fact that the day before was crappy. And it was a good day. And I’ve had some more good days since.

Back to work tomorrow after being off for 10 days. For the first time, I feel like I got a lot out of my vacation but I am ready to get back to the routine and to being useful. I make a difference to people in my work and I enjoy that. That keeps making it worth it. So I will drag my ass out of bed go to work with a positive attitude tomorrow. It’s going to be a good year… because I said so! And you know what? I know that doesn’t mean that it will be perfect. I will have really hard days, it goes with the territory. But I am going to remember that there is always tomorrow.

“Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent.”  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960

Listography – 5 random things I like

From Kate Takes 5 – Top 5 Random Things I like. Following this one word of warning – “random is not ‘I like chocolate’ – that’s just not going to cut it round here. However ‘I like chocolate sauce with my chips’ is getting a bit warmer.”

1. Spending a rainy morning in bed reading a good book and texting with my BFF

2. Having a reason to wear my prescription sunglasses, because I wasn’t able to wear sunglasses for so long

3. The smell of bacon cooking

4. Being able to figure out how to do something complicated on the website at work (even if I pull my hair out in the process)

5. Breakfast from McDonald’s (a guilty pleasure!)

Hey, It’s Okay Tuesday

Today I am using this idea from Airing My Dirty Laundry, One Sock At A Time – basically I make a list of things to be okay about. Here goes:

Hey, it is okay:

That I ate two brownies, three mini pecan pie-thingies (they are less than an inch in diameter), a cider donut and a questionably flavored cookie from our work pot-luck today.

That I read People Magazine and judge celebrities on how they dress

That my favorite breakfast food is McDonalds

That I have many pet peeves. The one that got me (again) today is PARENTS WHO ARE TOO LAZY TO GET OUT OF THEIR CARS TO PICK UP THEIR KIDS FROM AFTER SCHOOL CARE (no, your phone call is not more important than your kids!)

That I wrote “No Touchie” on my creamer bottle in the fridge at work

That I have to work this Saturday, because I have Friday off! YAY!

That my daughter is dressing as a male troll with horns for Halloween

That my husband is making dinner while I type this

The grass is greener…

How much do we live our lives wanting something that we don’t have? Looking at something that someone else has and wishing for it as our own? Creating a dream that MUST be better than what we are living? I think we all do it, some more than others. Recently, in reading a wonderful blog (I can’t find the specific link at the moment..) I came across this amazing statement:

“The grass is greener where you water it. So water this moment with your love and appreciation.”

I am so guilty of wishing for something different than what I have. Yes, I had an affair recently. Yes, I thought that this other person was everything that I didn’t have and that I needed in my life. It was my ultimate “grass is greener” moment. The recovery from that situation and its aftermath has been a difficult road. I have faced some painful truths. I have reevaluated almost every part of my life. And yet, through all of that pain, I have emerged with a growing inner strength that I never had before. A wise woman has told me that all things in life, even if they are painful, give us gifts. I have definitely emerged with gifts after this experience.

So, back to watering my grass… I was in the shower the other day, mulling over things as I often do in the shower, and my former other man came to mind and started buzzing around again. And I stopped and thought “What was it that you wanted out of that, really?” The answer? I wanted someone to have that fairy tale with… a love that would overcome all obstacles (that relationship definitely had obstacles) and a man who would do anything to be with me. You know what?? When I really think about it, I already do have that! I have an amazing man (my husband) who would and has done anything to be with me. And our love has overcome huge obstacles… including this affair mess. I am so blessed to have this love and I now know that I need to nurture the grass that I already have… because it really is quite beautiful!

So much truth…

Reflections

Today, the 10th anniversary of the 9/11 terrorist attacks on the US, is a day filled with reflection and remembrance and mourning. And this is so appropriate. And yet I find myself struggling with how I want to recognize this day, personally and with my family and publicly (like here, in my blog). I have made a conscious choice to not turn on the television. I have watched only two online videos related to the commemoration: one replaying “highlights” of the events of that day and one of a song being sung at the New York memorial today.

Roses at the 9/11 Memorial

Beyond that, I am choosing an attitude of reflection. Rather than dwelling in the past, I look to the lessons that can be learned and how we can live in a way that will somehow make some sense of those tragedies. Because, even in this case, I do believe that everything happens for a reason. I don’t believe that reason was so that we would have a reason to go to war in the Middle East. In my opinion, retaliation does not solve anything. Truly, though, all I can do is find the lesson in this for myself and make my life mean something as a result.

Om Mani Padme Hum

This is a tattoo that I had done on my back on the last day of 2009. The meaning of the Buddhist mantra is not easy to convey in a few words, but the basic idea is that the recitation or viewing of the mantra will invoke the embodiment of compassion. And this is the lesson that I choose to learn… in all of my life, really. We can only accept people as they are and be compassionate for their position in the world. Yes, there are many who live their lives devoted to hatred and destruction. The roots of this hatred is deep rooted… and coming to some sort of understanding of that can lead us to compassion, even for those that cause such sadness.

Have I lost a loved one as a result of a terrorist act? No, I haven’t. Do I have a right to speak for how one should feel in such a situation? I probably don’t. But I do, in the need to find my own sense of understanding, have a right to my own feelings. And they are these: only compassion can bring this world to a place where there will be no more war, no more hatred, no more destruction. Without it, we not only hurt others, but we hurt ourselves.

“Compassion will cure more sins than condemnation.” ~ Henry Ward Beecher

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