A New Year – A New Beginning

I have neglected my blog for so long. I think part of the reason is that I felt like I wasn’t writing for many readers beyond those friends who really know me well and probably aren’t particularly surprised by what I write… and I have wrestled with the concern about being anonymous. I am not ashamed of who I am, but for professional reasons I think certain things should be kept anonymous. So I am going to try an experiment… I am going to start sharing my blog on Twitter. This is a big step for me… just ask some of my friends with whom I went back and forth about even starting this blog. But I’ve made Twitter somewhat more anonymous and protected as well… so here I go!

And so, just in time for this new year, I am committing to working on and sharing this blog. This year feels like a pivotal one. This is my 40th year. I will turn 40 as 2012 ends. That always seemed so old… such a huge milestone. Like when my mom turned 40, she was really OLD (of course, I was 10 at the time…) But I’m not old… I am still young and fun and edgy… and crazy, but that really has nothing to do with age, does it??

Do I really need a warning label?

Sooo… during this 40th year of my life I am making a commitment to work on this blog and make it a reflection of how this year plays out. So far, so good. I had a rough day on my birthday… holidays and such seem to be harder for me now that I am working on feeling the emotions and not just stuffing them. But I allowed myself to have a bad day, I allowed myself to hide away and feel the crap and then calm myself down and then sleep. And the next day was a new day, it didn’t have to be defined by the fact that the day before was crappy. And it was a good day. And I’ve had some more good days since.

Back to work tomorrow after being off for 10 days. For the first time, I feel like I got a lot out of my vacation but I am ready to get back to the routine and to being useful. I make a difference to people in my work and I enjoy that. That keeps making it worth it. So I will drag my ass out of bed go to work with a positive attitude tomorrow. It’s going to be a good year… because I said so! And you know what? I know that doesn’t mean that it will be perfect. I will have really hard days, it goes with the territory. But I am going to remember that there is always tomorrow.

“Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent.”  ~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic’s Notebook, 1960


Letting go…

Letting go can be the hardest thing in the world for a control freak. Who is the control freak, you ask? Ok, I know you didn’t actually ask because you probably already know I am talking about myself. I am so bad, I hate surprises, I hate the unknown… anything that takes away my control over a situation.

Today I was reading this blog post by a guy with great spiritual energy that I came across on Twitter. This part in particular really spoke to me:

“When I give permission to the others in my my life to be authentically who they are without judgement or needing to control or change them, it is like giving water to to someone dieing of thirst.”

Reading on, the idea is that you accept people as they are and let go of the need to control or change them. As I read, I come to see that letting go sets me free. Really, the water that I are giving is to myself. The love and acceptance fills my thirsty heart.

There are a few relationships in my life that I have tried to control… to make into my own idealized version of reality. One in particular. I know I made this person out to be something that they truly are not. And I am learning to accept who this person truly is. I am learning to let go of that dream that I created, because it wasn’t real. I am learning that this person’s authentic self doesn’t make this person a bad person. They are simply different from what my controlling instinct thought they should be. And that is ok. That is real. I take this person and my hurt and regret and disappointment and dreams… and I pull them into a bundle in my heart… and a take a breath… and I let them go.

That space in my heart where all of that was can only be filled with love. I accept and love this person for what they truly are and I will learn accept their rightful place in my life, even if that is out of my life. I say learn on that one because I am not there yet. That’s part of the journey… but I am on my way.

Here it goes!

So it begins… I am glad you are here to start my journey with me! Of course, this isn’t really the beginning for me, but the beginning of your part of the trip. And it will be a trip, I promise.

This blog grows out of a desire to share myself and the things that make this unique, authentic person. It isn’t an easy ride. But we become the total of the struggles that we endure, right?